musings

honouring grief

My heart has held deep sadness for as long as I can remember. Not knowing where it came from, I just tried to avoid it. When I was young, I learned to pretend it wasn’t there by being really well behaved; in my youth I outran it by being rebellious; as an adult, I found trendy practices to bypass it; but eventually, the immobility of exhaustion led me to facing it. Don’t get me wrong, I have had plenty of joy in my life too, but the sadness was always there waiting. Once I actually opened the door to it, I learned some of it was mine and some of it was grief I carried forward. I’ve been learning to give space to this grief--to honour, grow from, and give from this place.

One could say this feeling runs in my family; most of the women I’ve known in my mother’s lineage feel it as well. I don’t know about my great-great-grandmother, but I would guess since she grew up without her family, she held it too. From the age of 4 or 5 years old, my great-great-grandmother Josephine grew up at St. Mary’s Residential School in Mission; in 1985 it was the last residential school to close in BC. Apparently, many of the children there were from the Sto:lo nation, but Josephine’s records were lost, so we have no information about her mother; but I would bet she held great grief in her heart to not have raised her own child. 

Did Josephine’s mother offer her daughter to the “authorities?” I doubt it. We all know she was likely taken against her mother’s will, like countless other little Indigenous children. I wonder how she fought for her child--did she hide, did she run? A mother protecting her child can summon superpowers, so I am guessing she was outgunned compared to her perpetrators. Did she even survive the battle? We will never know. But Josephine, unlike countless other children, survived residential school. If she had not, my family would not exist. I would not exist to honour her grief. 

My brother and I grew up in our great-great-grandmother Josephine’s old farmhouse. I wish I knew more about her, but what I do know is she loved the land. I loved that land too. I was raised with settler ways--Indigenous ways of being weren’t really taught to me--but I feel them in my blood. My grandmother married a white man, and my mother married a white man--does that make me not Indigenous? I’ve asked myself this question for so long and have wondered where I belong. Honestly, I’ve rejected learning about my settler ancestry. This is something I am only just beginning to address within myself, so I will not speak about what resides there. 

I have longed to know my Indigenous culture and connect to a tribe, but felt like I was too far removed, my skin too light, my hair too blond to be accepted. I realize now it is not about acceptance, nor the colour of my skin; it is about what I believe is the honourable way to live. I’ve begun learning Indigenous ways through reading, drumming, ceremony, ancestry work, through the land and through giving. I have so much to learn and so much more to unlearn. 

I don’t speak out on these issues very often. I always fear saying the wrong thing, hurting someone with my ignorance, not being politically correct, getting something wrong. It’s hard these days to get it right. So I apologize if somehow my words hurt you, as that is not my intention. Like I say, I have much to learn, but recent events have my mind spinning and heart hurting, wanting to do something, say something--to help.

My story does not hold the tragedy that so many others have experienced. I was not stolen from my family, have my child stolen, nor did I grow up on an impoverished reservation with no safe drinking water. My prayers go to those whose lives hold these tragedies and I am praying for justice for the crimes that caused—and continue to cause--them, as I walk through my life with the privilege of a settler. My intention in sharing my story is one of support and love, in an attempt to give something to help combat the greed that is at the root of colonialism. 

I know my story is not unique and I am not alone in my grief. Many of us have some Indigenous ancestry, yet the intention was to breed it out, to educate it out, to eradicate it in order to possess this land upon which we now live. Regardless of our ancestry, how can we not feel the grief of genocide? I believe if we learn Indigenous ways of being, unlearn greed-based colonial ways, and--most importantly--honor those whose land was stolen from them, then we can begin to heal the collective trauma many are experiencing. When we heal ourselves, we heal our ancestors and our children. This is the positive side of epigenetics. 

I’ve been learning a lot about intergenerational trauma. It manifests itself in many ways such as depression, anxiety, addiction, and illness. This is the negative side of epigenetics. We certainly have a lot of these issues among us, now more than ever. I’ve been noticing in my work with my clients that depression has been present a lot more than usual lately. Gabor Mate says that depression is the repression of emotion, emotion that needs to be felt and expressed for trauma to heal. There is so much going on in our world, it can sometimes be hard to breathe with the weight of it all. I encourage you to honour your grief. Go to the water and let the tears flow. Whichever way you do it, give yourself space to feel it and ask for support, as we heal best in connection. We can learn, grow and give love forward. 

Love Paula, June 3rd 2021

what part of you is asking for attention right now?

I am curious about a theme I’ve been noticing in conversations with friends, clients (and myself) lately; this sense that old parts of ourselves have been showing up. The forgotten or lost, the neglected or missing parts—it feels like perhaps we have slowed down enough for some of these fragmented parts of ourselves to catch up. It’s quite a novel situation, really. There is this beautiful pause and a sense of stillness; yet the situation itself, with so many unknowns, is inducing fear and anxiety in many of us.  

We all respond to stress or crisis in different ways and our unhealed traumas or childhood wounds play a role in how we cope. For some, we manage stress with distractions like over-working, obsessive exercising or frequent social engagements. For others, we shut down into a more numbing state with food, alcohol or binge watching shows. Some of us respond to stress with rigid fear, some of us with rebellious denial… these are all ways our unresolved past trauma can show up in the present. It’s OK.

Let go of judgement. Be gentle. Observe with curiosity. 

I’ve noticed over the years my way of coping has changed. For most of my teen years I numbed with drugs and alcohol, then in my 20’s I avoided with extreme sports. In my 30’s I found a significant amount of peace through yoga and spirituality, but I was reaching for the good feelings and bypassing the difficult emotions buried inside. When stress or crisis hit and my emotions were unbearable, my old coping patterns showed up to help—usually numbing or avoiding. 

As I began my deeper studies of trauma and healing, I came to understand these patterns were a result of unresolved childhood wounds, parts of myself that were asking to be seen. And that I had a lot of stored emotions which needed my attention. I am still attending to them; but it’s getting easier the more I give myself the time, support and permission to do so. 

What part of you is asking to be seen and given care right now? 
The little boy who is afraid because he doesn’t know how long he will be alone? 
The teenager who was bullied into submission but just wants to be wild and free at any cost? The little girl who hid frozen under the blankets, covering her ears so she couldn’t hear her parents fighting?

Without trying to fix things, simply witness with curiosity and compassion.

What can you do to comfort that part of you that is asking to be seen? With gentleness. With compassion. Not fixing, just comforting, just like a good friend or parent would. Allow all the feelings to hold value. Be angry, then let the power of that anger be the container or boundary for your sadness to feel safe, let it flow, hold yourself while you cry. Notice the fear, then look around you and listen, right now, in this moment, are you safe? Do you see a tree? Do you hear a bird or the white noise of a fan? The comforting walls of your living space? Patterns on the grains of old wood floors? What does this moment have to show you? What feelings and sensations? Simply right now. 

If possible, talk to someone you trust, with whom you can be honest and vulnerable; share what you are feeling, know you are not alone. Yes many people have it worse, but your feelings are real and valid too. They’ll stay stuck deep inside you asking to be felt in all kinds of ways, until you can give them the attention they need. Allow someone to be your witness, be your own witness, let the parts of you asking to be seen receive comfort with compassion.

Trauma has a way of repeating itself until it is healed. This shared situation we are all in, is a collective trauma. Like attracts like, so it appears that for many of us it this situation is bringing up old wounds that need attention. It’s OK. 

We all avoid, distract, hide, numb or deny our emotions on some level. When the old wounds surface, it is an opportunity to heal the parts of us (our inner children) that never had the chance to heal before. It takes time, often many opportunities, but if we can approach the ways in which we respond to stress with curiosity and compassion rather than judgement, we can heal. What does your inner child need right now? Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. 

My little girl loved flowers, she believed the fairies made their clothes out of them. So I make sure to take walks and spend time deeply noticing the flowers, imagining the outfits I could make out of them. I’m doing it daily right now, it feels comforting. Maybe your little one had a favourite movie? And a favourite food? You could make that dish and watch that film, snuggled under a cozy blanket. And when or if you can, go PLAY outside!!! Whatever you do, do it with tenderness.

Please reach out if you need someone to talk to.

Love Paula, April 18/2020